INTRODUCTION
Today’s topic is Anger Demystified. Specifically, we are going to be focusing on 5 very common myths that the majority of the people in our society seem to unquestionably believe when it comes to anger, and how it relates to them as well as other. The reason I feel this is a very important starting point when it comes to anger management, is because whenever we set out with the intentions of fixing something in life, we must first come to understand the origins of its essence. And in this case, since we are wanting to fix the way that we handle anger in our lives, we have to start with a presupposition that anger is very much so a result of the way that we perceive the world, and as we already know, the way that we perceive the world is very much so determined by the beliefs that we hold dearly. Hence today will attempt to demystify the 5 most common myths, or negative beliefs, that the majority of us seem to possess when it comes to identifying and responding to anger. So here is a brief overview of the 5 common myths surrounding anger.
5 COMMON MYTHS ABOUT ANGER
- Anger is inherited, or genetic, so there is nothing I can do about it.
- Anger is aggression therefore I have to act aggressively whenever I am angry.
- Venting anger with controlled aggressive outbursts is always desirable.
- You have to be aggressive in order to get what you want out of life.
- If I don’t act on my anger I will eventually explode.
“Anger is inherited, or genetic, so there
is nothing I can do about it.”
FALSE
Anger is an emotion or feeling, it is not something that can be physically seen or carried over to another human begin by way of genetics. There has never been any scientific evidence nor research studies conducted that would even come close to validating this proposition. However, it has been determined that the expression of anger is more along the lines of a learned behavior that is repetitively taught to a child during early upbringing. Now don’t get me wrong because if we think in terms of evolution and how that process operates it might lead us to believe differently. Take for example an early ancestor to the modern day humans. Let’s say that our ancestor’s name is “Doofus” and as you can imagine Doofus is not very intelligent since he’s thousands of years beyond our evolutionary time. One day Doofus becomes hungry and decides he wants to eat a clam that he found down by the river. Unfortunately Doofus doesn’t know how to open the clam in order to get part he desires to eat. He tries everything he can think of in order to open this clam. He swings it around in the air, drops it on the ground, steps on it, and finally he throws it against a stone wall in a fit of frustration only to have the clam then burst open to his amazement. Doofus now learns how to solve his problem of hunger with an aggressive learned behavior of bashing the clam against a hard surface. Now Doofus teaches this to his children, and his children teach this behavior to their children, and so on and so forth until eventually the whole Doofus family tree is nothing but a bunch of highly skilled clam busting maniacs. Now whenever a Doofus is born, it appears the he can learn the clam busting behavior in no time at all. It’s as if he was born to be a clam buster, just destined to smash those suckers from the start! So one might logically assume that the clam busting behavior is actually ingrained into his genetics, and therefore he had no other choice other than to be a clam buster whether he liked it or not… However this is not true. The truth of the matter is that baby Doofus had inherited an increased ability to learn clam bashing behavior, and not the actual clam bashing behavior itself. Therefore, all this means is that it’s easier for this particular line of Doofuses’ to learn this one particular ability / behavior faster than most, and nothing more. So this is excellent news! Because if clam bashing is only a learned behavior that has to be taught (just as aggression is), then this means that we have the ability to “unlearn” and discontinue teaching this behavior to others. Although this may not be such an easy task, as with any habit, it takes time to change repetitive actions, and so it may be so uncomfortable in the beginning that you might even consider giving up and giving back into your old behavior, as this is easier, and consumes less thought and will power. So just know that at the end of the day you cannot say that you don’t have an option to change your ways because “so and so made you this way” or “I was just born with the gene” or whatever other excuse you might use to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. The power is yours my friends, so let us make the extra effort to break these harmfully cycles of learned behavior.
“Anger is aggression therefore I have to act
aggressively whenever I am angry.”
FALSE
Anger and aggression are not the same thing. Anger is actually an emotion which starts off as a cognition (a thought) and then goes on to trigger a psychological response (a feeling), upon which we may feel inclined to act aggressively in response to the feeling. This compulsion or urge to act aggressively can be seen as the desire to purge or vent the feelings of anger within us. Therefore there is definitely a distinct division between the two. Anger is an emotion, and aggression is a behavior. Now the important thing about behaviors is this. Behaviors are learned actions or responses that have to be decided on before they can happen. Therefore whenever you act aggressively in response to the feeling of anger you are in a sense making the choice to do so. With that being said, it’s not that we are powerless over circumstances that is the problem, but rather that we are choosing to be powerless over ourselves. To make matters worse, if we continue to act aggressively in response to our anger for a prolonged period of time, it will eventually solidify into an attitude of hostility and become part of our personality, or overall disposition. When this happens a nasty habit is formed. Now whenever you feel angry for whatever reason you will naturally and subconsciously become aggressive, because your subconscious is trying to assist you by remembering how your body should respond to such a stimulus without having to expend the energy required to process such a though. This just makes matters worse because we are seldom even aware of the instructions that our subconscious feeds our mind/body, and therefore we are not likely to challenge its authority, hence we continue to abide by its command. Now once we are poisoned by the attitude of hostility, something even worse takes place. Have you ever heard the old expression, “attitudes are contagious”? Well guess what, it’s true. Just as being around someone who is constantly optimistic and full of joy makes us feel good about ourselves and life, so does being around someone who is aggressive and hostile makes us feel angry, and bad about life. And if attitudes are contagious, then that means that this condition will spread from one person to the next causing a negative butterfly effect that will eventually make its way back around to us, in one way, shape, or another. So just remember that anger is NOT the same as aggression, and that we have the choice to decide on how we will respond to any given situation, whether good or bad. We must also be careful so as to not affect others with our negative attitudes, as it will just circle right back around and bite us in the “you know what” in no time at all! So let us break the cycle today, by choosing to be assertive instead of aggressive (we’ll cover assertiveness in a later segment).
“Venting anger with controlled aggressive
outbursts is always desirable.”
FALSE
How many of you out there can recall a point in your childhood upbringing where your parents or some other authority figure told you to “just scream!” or “beat up your pillow” whenever you wanted to express your anger? And then every time you were told to clean your room, or that your best friend couldn’t come over, you went and turned your room into a life-size snow glob as you savagely beat your pillow into next Tuesday, sending feathers flying in every which direction? I know I have. And this type of anger expression will only compound your problem in the future. You see people who “vent” their frustrations by resorting to acts of aggression as a means to purge the feelings of anger inside them, only end up doing two things for themselves in the long run. 1.) They get really good at becoming angry when things don’t go their way, and 2.) They make the connection that the only way to get “unangry” is to beat something up, or cuss something out… And this is obviously not the type of behavior that will foster lasting success in life – period. Imagine a man who has known this style of coping with anger for his entire life. Picture what happens when he gets into a heated debate with his wife, and it just so happens that since they just moved into their new apartment together after their honeymoon and have no furniture of their own, there are no pillows around to beat on – what does he choose to hit instead? Next thing you know Mr. Emotional is sitting in county lock up for a domestic battery charge, and has an order of protection on him with a pending investigation from Child Protective Services to see if they need to take his kids away from him. All of this in a moments time simply because it was thought that the best way to “vent” anger was to act aggressively… This is simply not true at all. Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that serves us in several ways, but we have to understand exactly what anger is trying to tell us, and how we should respond to its messages. There are several healthier options of anger expression that can actually be quite constructive and beneficial in the immediate and long term tenses, and having a plan on how to respond to anger is absolutely critical for effective anger management – we call this having an “Anger Control Plan” (which will be covered in a later segment).
“You have to be aggressive in order to
get what you want out of life.”
FALSE
How many times were you told that the only way to get something done is by doing it yourself? Or let’s take this maxim one step further and say ,”if you want something bad enough you have to just get out there and take it!”, especially in business we might see someone being offered the advice of “you have to be aggressive in order to get what you want!”, “you just can’t take no for an answer!”. Maybe you were taught that the only way people will respect you is if you “show no fear” and “command respect by intimidating others”. Or perhaps no one directly told you these things, but rather you pick up these signals simply by watching the behaviors of others who were close to you during childhood. Maybe you discerned the fact that you can get what you wanted in life simply by yelling at someone, since you frequently saw your dad get his order just the way he wanted by cussing out the waiter every time his order was incorrect. Or maybe you saw that the only way to get people to leave you alone is if you beat their heads off the wall, because that’s what your crazy brother joey did to all the bullies in grade school. Or better yet, maybe you figured out that the best way to keep a good woman faithful is by threatening her life and physical wellbeing every time you felt emotionally insecure, simply because you watched your father beat your mother every time she received a smile from a stranger. You see whenever we get angry it is because there is an underlying want or need or ours that is not being fulfilled. So in order to satisfy ourselves we try out different behaviors to see which one will most likely get the results that we are looking for to satisfy that want or need the fastest. Unfortunately, sometimes the quickest method isn’t necessarily the best tool for the job. Consider what happens when a carpenter uses an air compressor nail gun to build a tiny delicate birdhouse out of popsicle sticks… While yes, he can nail those pieces of wood together at astronomical speeds, he also blows apart the birdhouse with all the force being generated by the method he is using. This same principle applies to people who resort to aggression as a means to cope with anger. They are using the wrong tool for the job, and will likely blow apart their relationships in the process. Hence, as previously mentioned, we need to try out the tool of assertiveness instead, as this will produce a much better final product (to be covered in a later segment).
“If I don’t act on my anger I will eventually explode.”
FALSE
OK, so here we have a very popular misconception when it comes to the process of dealing anger, as well as how we actually visualize the process of anger escalation within us. First of all (as previously mentioned) anger is not an actual “thing”. It cannot be seen under a microscope, and it cannot be found as a particular particle floating around somewhere in your brain, or body, whenever you experience it. Anger is simply an emotion, or feeling, that is generated by your brain in response to a stimulus. It is a mental construct, or basically a piece of coding in your brain that tells the nervous system to stimulate your body in a certain type of way, in response to a certain type of experience, or condition. And sense anger is really more like a mental construction of mind than it is anything else. We can easily say that its foundation is made up of thoughts, since your thoughts are typically what makes up your mind right? Are you with me still? I really hope so, because it’s absolutely important that you understand this point I’m trying to make. So here we go. If anger is an emotion, and if we know that emotions are mental constructions, and if mental constructs are made up of thoughts, then what we must learn to do is pay attention to what, as well as how, we are thinking about the things that happen to us in life, because this is what will ultimately determine our perspective on things. Our thoughts will determine our beliefs about how we should respond to certain situations that we might encounter. These are the beliefs that will determine if we should even get angry or not to begin with, and they will also determine to what degree, or level, of intensity that the anger will actually reach within us. So in the end, just remember that anger can always, be traced back to our way of thinking. And here’s the other point I want to make, since anger is not an actual physical “thing”, there is no way for it to “build up” inside our bodies. We will never actually “explode” if we do not act on our anger, or what some of us might say, “if we do not vent our anger”. What really happens to us if we don’t find a healthy way to channel our anger, is that we actually create a new trigger within our mind. This trigger becomes the association of angry feelings with whatever provoked you to begin with. So now, whenever you experience that same anger provoking situation, you will also experience anger as well, since they are both now both linked together as one solid mental construction set in your mind to fire off whenever this certain situation should arise. Again, this is the way the subconscious mind tries to preserve our energy, by saving us the time required to think about the situation, because now we are just automatically reacting based on this mental construction that has been set forth in our mind, or that simple instruction that tells the brain to make the body feel this way, whenever this happens. It’s a classic example of the IF, THEN Statement in computer programing. If “this happens”, then ”do that”. And that’s how the subconscious mind works. Like a piece of code that is programmed to run your body on auto-pilot according to whatever specific instructions you give it on the deepest cognitive emotional level. And so the feeling of “anger build-up” actually works like this. Anger trigger #1 is activated in the brain (you become angry), now say 10 minutes later somehow anger trigger #2 gets activated, and you become angry again. Now not only do you get angry all over again but also something else will happen. You see anger trigger # 1 and # 2 having just been activated sequentially, will then go on to combine with one another to form a completely separate anger trigger called anger trigger # 3. An since anger trigger # 3 has the properties of both anger trigger 1 and anger trigger 2 combined, it will be naturally be more intense than its previous state. Thus this is where we receive the illusion that anger is actually “building up inside us”, when in reality there is nothing truly there in your head except a bunch of thoughts that tell us there is…You see you’re not going to explode, there is nothing even there, it’s all about perspective and what your thoughts and beliefs are about what just happened – that’s what really matters, and that’s what determines how you feel – not what the other person, or other situation has done to you – it’s about how you identify with it.
